RED
MON CHERI
SYD
SYDNEY
A LETTER TO RED
A LETTER TO READ
OR AT LEAST THE ONES I NEVER SENT AND NEVER WROTE
i may never understand you. how u care does not make sense to me. It is so touching and elegant and yet passionate and still subdued. It is patient and kind.
TU ME MANQUES
you have never not felt distant from me, as if there was always a veil between us. even at my most comfortable and content within your arms. it didn't ever matter though. i loved being there. that was all that mattered.
you are meant for ballads and great poems. you deserve fanciful literature and songs that sing of your love.
but I don't write nor can I sing.
Whoever You Are Holding Me Now in Hand
By Walt Whitman
Whoever you are holding me now in hand,
Without one thing all will be useless,
I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.
Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?
The way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive,
You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives around you would have to be abandon’d,
Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further, let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down and depart on your way.
Or else by stealth in some wood for trial,
Or back of a rock in the open air,
(For in any roof’d room of a house I emerge not, nor in company,
And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)
But just possibly with you on a high hill, first watching lest any person for miles around approach unawares,
Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea or some quiet island,
Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,
With the comrade’s long-dwelling kiss or the new husband’s kiss,
For I am the new husband and I am the comrade.
Or if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart or rest upon your hip,
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;
For thus merely touching you is enough, is best,
And thus touching you would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.
But these leaves conning you con at peril,
For these leaves and me you will not understand,
They will elude you at first and still more afterward, I will certainly elude you,
Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!
Already you see I have escaped from you.
For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,
Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,
Nor do those know me best who admire me and vauntingly praise me,
Nor will the candidates for my love (unless at most a very few) prove victorious,
Nor will my poems do good only, they will do just as much evil, perhaps more,
For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times and not hit, that which I hinted at;
Therefore release me and depart on your way.
you are the summer hope and the winter's warmth. the sky whispers your name before releasing its tears. the mother earth rejoices at your barefoot step and the moon shines brighter when you look at her.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG.
I don't understand why you like me so much
'Cause I don't like myself
I don't understand why you like me so much
Wish I was someone else
You say you got a million reasons
But I can't think of one
I don't understand how you like me so much
'Cause I don't like myself
where are u?
I SAW THE THINGS WE USED TO DO. I HEARD THE THINGS WE USED TO SAY.
I REELED AT THE THOUGHT THAT THEY NO LONGER EXISTED.
THAT THERE WAS NO MORE WE.
Quand tu es près de moi
Cette chambre n'a plus de parois
Mais des arbres oui, des arbres infinis
Et quand tu es tellement près de moi
C'est comme si ce plafond-là
Il n'existait plus
Je vois le ciel penché sur nous
Qui restons ainsi abandonnés
Tout comme si il n'y avait plus rien
Non plus rien d'autre au monde
Et j'entends l'harmonica
Mais on dirait un orgue qui chante
Pour toi et pour moi
Là-haut dans le ciel infini
Et pour toi, et pour moi
Et pour toi, et pour moi
Quando sei qui con me
Questa stanza non ha più pareti
Ma alberi, alberi infiniti
E se tu sei vicino a me
Questo soffitto, viola, no, non esiste più
E vedo il cielo sopra a noi
Che restiamo quì abbandonati
Come se non ci fosse più niente più niente al mondo
Suona l'armonica
Mi sembra un organo che canta per te e per me
Su nell'immensità del cielo
Per te e per me
Mais pour toi et pour moi
She'd take the world off my shoulders
If it was ever hard to move
She'd turn the rain to a rainbow
When I was living in the blue
Why then, if she so perfect?
Do I still wish that it was you?
Perfect don't mean that it's working
So what can I do?
When you're out of sight
In my mind
'Cause sometimes I look in her eyes
And that's where I find a glimpse of us
And I try to fall for her touch
But I'm thinkin' of the way it was
Said I'm fine and said I moved on
I'm only here passin' time in her arms
Hopin' I find a glimpse of us
Tell me he savors your glory
Does he laugh the way I did?
Is this a part of your story?
One that I had never lived
Maybe one day you'll feel lonely
And in his eyes, you'll get a glimpse
Maybe you'll start slippin' slowly
And find me again
When you're out of sight
In my mind
'Cause sometimes I look in her eyes
And that's where I find, a glimpse of us
And I try to fall for her touch
But I'm thinkin' of the way it was
Said I'm fine and said I moved on
I'm only here passin' time in her arms
Hopin' I find a glimpse of us
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
'Cause sometimes I look in her eyes
And that's where I find, a glimpse of us
And I try to fall for her touch
But I'm thinkin' of the way it was
Said I'm fine and said I moved on
I'm only here passin' time in her arms
Hopin' I find a glimpse of us
i hate lying to you but im more scared that you would never be near me if there wasnt some sheet to separate us. i can keep you confused rather than showing my own deplorability.
i still find her to be the most beautiful woman i know
we had summer sun and colored fall. warmth without pain
our dance was our reprieve and solitude without an apathy to drown it
i wouldnt have moved here if it meant losing u
I DONT FEEL ANYTHING. I WISH I COULDNT FEEL ANYTHING
i wish that u were here to see this. the chill has all but left and the flowers begin to bud. I can not help but think of you when I see them. when i see beauty i think of showing it to you. i want you to experience it. when i see the beauty of a flower and its delicate petals begin to unravel , i am arrested by the fragility of that moment. it rests in the balance of inexistence and only for a glimpse is it alive. i think you are the only person who sees how beautiful that makes it. the contentedness of the impermeance. i think you love deeply because there is only ever that moment.
I spend my nights on overdrive
I live my life so overtired
And there's nowhere I can hide
Now I live my life on overdrive
I could be more like him
If that's cool with you
I'd do anything to be cool to you
Cool to you
I spend my nights on overdrive
I live my life so uninspired
There ain't no angels in this world
So I live my life on overdrive
I'd remove my tattoos
If that's cool to you
I'd do anything to be cool to you
Cool to you, uh
I could end it with her
If that's cool to you
I'd do anything to be cool to you
where are u?
i took for granted what we had. our love was not one of intense romanticism but rather a subtle comfort, one that was constant and right. one that didnt demand its attention, it grew without flash and remains within me. i have never felt something more correct. i looked for color and drama but we didn't need that. i only needed your hand and yet I didn't realize it.
a coward dies 1,000 deaths and i have died a million.
i do not know what love is. no i do, but i run from it. i am selfish and narcissistic and belligerent. i push everyone that shows any love toward me to their absolute breaking point. i disrespect them. i care only for what i want and how i feel. red i have mistreated u and pushed u away. the only person i have ever cared for. or claimed to i guess. but maybe that's the truth, i loved how you made me feel not you as a person. i only cared about the interest you had in me. but even as i say that i feel my heart drop and hope that it isn't true. i truly wish you the best irregardless of my involvement. it is easy to write and romanticise the idea of loss. but i want peace for you. i want you to be loved. i want every dream in your heart to be fully realized. i
sometimes i romanticisze us and this and write almost as a posthumous memoir. as if I love the idea, but hate the responsibility of actually investing and trying and doing whats right
“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.” ― C.S. Lewis
i am a fool, i am a fool. tears no longer fall and the rain wont come. the sun just burns. there's no more comfort in its touch. the colors just hurt my eyes. and the wind just makes me mad. i had a fire but I never tried to tend it.
sometimes i come here just to see u.
i have cheated on you multiple times in every sense of the word. I have searched out and thrown myself in moments of self-depreciation. i have looked for a moment of drowned ecstasy. i have thought of you in every time and every moment. I only want you but i do this despite that. I do not hope to remedy it by excusing myself
sad or numb
my apathetic monotony has only led to a soulless carcass. the void of which is a tendrilled cancer.
i dont really care anymore, i have no empathy, nor do i act in any way that would show that i care. goodbye
I AM ALL THE THINGS THAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i still have the nickel that u left me when you broke up w me
i lied i f3el everything imm so sorry i hate myslef di dsi im so sorry i i ffel it all im ashamed and devastated i m so sorry
i love you + i miss u